Judaism is a religion of action. There is so much to do to improve oneself, one’s community and the world around us. Each of us is tasked with contributing to the best of our ability. At times, despite our best efforts, progress can be very slow or non-existent. While that is frustrating, we acknowledge that, for the most part, we can only control the effort we put into the task at hand. Results are beyond our control, in the hands of G-d. Hence our tradition teaches that “even if a person intended to perform a mitzva but due to circumstances beyond his control he did not perform it, the verse ascribes him credit as if he performed it” (Kiddushin 40a).
Thankfully, the opposite is not true. Intending to sin but not actually “succeeding” in doing so is not considered sinning despite one’s “best” efforts to do so. What one thinks in one's heart pales in comparison to what one does.
Yet, we dare not ignore our heart. The heart is the most vital of organs. “Do not hate your brother in your heart, rebuke, rebuke your fellow and do not bear sin due to him” (Vayikra 19:17). In the very next verse the Torah tells us v’ahavta l’reacha kamocha, that we must love our neighbour as ourself, it is rather superfluous to instruct us not to hate. Obviously if we must love someone we may not hate them.
It may be superfluous but that does not mean it is not necessary. The Torah tells us no less than 36 times – and perhaps 46 times – not to mistreat the stranger (Bava Metzia 59b). Once is just not enough.
Furthermore, it may be a positive mitzva to love someone, but it is one thing not to do something right and it is another to do something wrong. The Torah makes it very clear it is not only not right not to like another, it is wrong to harbour ill will towards them. One violates both a positive and negative command. And if loving others is, according to many, the most important mitzva of the Torah (Yerushalmi Nedarim 9:4) it stands to reason that to hate someone is the sin most important to avoid.
Yet rather unexpectedly this prohibition, unlike others, is violated even, in fact only, if the hatred is kept inside one’s heart. It is the “act” of hating even if not (yet) acted upon that is prohibited. “Is it possible [the prohibition] includes hitting him, slapping him, or cursing him. Thus the verse teaches ‘in your heart’; the Torah is talking about hatred in the heart” (Arachin 16b)[1]. Our Sages actually praise the brothers of Yosef who “were unable to speak to him in peace” (Breisheet 37:4). They hated him – and that was very bad and led to terrible consequences – but at least they were “honest” about it. Better to stab someone in the heart than to stab them in the back.
With it being impossible to actually love someone as themselves - the commentaries explain that this mitzva is fulfilled by acting in a way that demonstrates love[2] - it is actually possible for someone to fulfil the mitzva of v’ahavta l’reacha kamocha and yet still be in violation of the command not to hate in your heart. Wishing someone you hate a shabbat shalom is a wonderful thing to do – but by continuing to dislike the person one is also violating this negative command. Of course wishing them a shabbat shalom might just be the trigger to begin to remove the hatred.
The Torah does suggest a plan of action when one dislikes someone. The verse continues, "rebuke, rebuke your fellow”. Go and talk about it and explain why you dislike them. That is hard but very effective. It is amazing what talking about an issue you have with another can accomplish. This is true both on a personal level and on a national, political level. Letting hatred fester in one’s heart is a disaster waiting to happen. Talking about it may not solve the problem but it is a necessary (first) step. Such is true even, perhaps especially, if there is reason to dislike the person – hence the mitzva to rebuke the person.
Rebuke must be done constructively with love and tact. Done improperly it may make the hatred even worse. Better not to speak than to speak unwisely. But even if one speaks wisely it may still be inappropriate to give rebuke. The Talmud rules that one may not rebuke someone if such will cause embarrassment. “Is it possible [to give rebuke] even if his face changes colour [due to humiliation]. Thus the verse teaches: ‘Do not bear sin because of him’" (Arachin 16b). The person may have sinned but with very, very few exceptions embarrassing the sinner is a worse sin. One who causes such embarrassment must immediately cease and desist or “bear the sin”[3].
The heart is a very hard-working muscle. And to ensure it functions properly it needs regular exercise – more so than any other body part. A strong heart is a major determinant of one’s quality of life – both physically and spiritually.
“He [Rabban Yohanan ben Zackai] said to them: go forth and observe which is the right way to which a man should cleave? Rabbi Eliezer said, a good eye; Rabbi Yehoshua said, a good companion; Rabbi Yose said, a good neighbour; Rabbi Shimon said, foresight; Rabbi Elazar [ben Arach] said, a good heart. He [Rabban Yohanan ben Zakkai] said to them: I prefer the words of Elazar ben Arach, for in his words your words are included (Avot 2:7).
[1] While hitting someone might not violate this particular prohibition it hardly needs to be said that it would violate many others. In fact our tradition teaches that even lifting one’s hand to hit somebody renders one a rasha, an evil person.
[2] As to why then the Torah says we should do something we can’t please listen to my “10 minute parhsa podcast” here.
[3] I am reminded of the story of when the Chafetz Chaim approached Rav Yisrael Salanter – the founder of the Mussar movement – asking for an approbation for his book on the laws of slander and gossip he refused. He noted a ruling he could not append his name to, namely that if one must ask forgiveness for a sin against another even if doing so is the first the victim hears of the sin against him.
Rav Salanter argued that in such a situation better to say nothing than potentially open up a hornet’s nest. Sometimes silence is truly golden.